Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
