What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
