Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
