Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
