apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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