Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
