Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
