I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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