I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
FUCK WHALES
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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