Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
