how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
