it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
