Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
