he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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