My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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