Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
