i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Someone signed my nipple.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
