I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
