I just threw up on my dentist
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
