saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
