I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
