I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
