sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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