I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
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Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize