I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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