Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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