Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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