i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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