Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
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I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.