I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.