see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
