Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.