Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
