you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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