Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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