then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
