why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
