new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
