A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
