i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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