So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
