Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
