We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
