I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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