My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
