This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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