I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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