just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
