Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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