You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
