Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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