doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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