mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
