I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
