i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
