Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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