My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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