He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
