I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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