paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
