At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
