This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
