The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
